How fast can a turtle run?

The morning scene: Bil and I rushing around the kitchen and back and forth to our cars getting ready for the day.

Bil: You left the door open!
me: For one second!
Bil: Tuli and Shae could have gotten out. It is supposed to rain all day.
Me: I was only gone for one second.
Bil: They're cats, not turtles!

Thirsty?

Bil: What's that cheesy cup?
Me: It is from daycare. Raviv took it for the ride home
Bil (with a sneer): Well, don't forget it tomorrow
Me: I won't. I'm sorry it offends you. Would you like me to put it in my car now?
Bil: No, I'd like you to drive it back to daycare now
Me: HA!
Bil: I'm not laughing...

How many miles was that?

Bil: I want ice cream
I give him a look
Bil: I can have ice cream if I want! I went to the gym!
Me: Today?
Bil: No. But I could have.

Vacation?

Just got back from a great vacation. But day 1 was hard. Both Raviv and my grandmother were stuck to me all day. Of course, as we get into bed this is the conversation:

Bil: This was such a relaxing day!

Clean?

I opened the washing machine door to add a few more things, and find all the towels have been moved to the dryer

Me: Oh, thanks for washing the towels
Bil: I didn't
Me: Then why are they in the dryer
Bil: Oh, I thought they had been cleaned
Me: didn't you realize they were dry when you moved them?
Bil: I thought they had just been in there a really long time.